How It Ends Read online

“Oh, yeah,” she said.

  I told Crystal what happened with Seth while we finished getting dressed—Sammi in pink with her sexy new piercing, Crystal with her glossy, wavy black hair hanging loose down her back and wearing peacock blue to match her eyes, and me in black and tiger eye—and by the time the story was done, she and Sammi were in perfect agreement about one thing.

  “It’s your birthday, you get to go wild,” Crystal said.

  “There’s got to be somebody good here tonight,” Sammi said.

  “I’ll be your designated bodyguard,” Crystal said. “I’m not really drinking, so I can watch out for you if you get drunk.”

  “But I get to hold her hair if she pukes,” Sammi said, laughing.

  “Trust me, the place is going to be crawling with cute guys,” Crystal said.

  “Seth can go to hell,” Sammi said.

  “He doesn’t deserve you,” Crystal said.

  “All right, already, I get the idea,” I said, grabbing my purse. “Seth is out, anyone else is in. It’s almost nine thirty. Let’s go!”

  So we did, and I drank four beers really fast and got pretty stupid, seeing as I’m definitely a lightweight. The clearing was jamming, the music loud but not loud enough to have to yell over or get us busted, and the campfire in the fire pit threw a toasty, flickering glow. I ended up mingling a lot, going from group to group, talking, flirting, and then moving on.

  “Oh, come on, you can’t tell me you haven’t seen one person you want to be with,” Crystal said when I careened back and collapsed next to her on a log. She was sitting outside the ring of light thrown by the campfire, nursing a beer and watching Sammi show her belly button ring to some shirtless guy wearing a do-rag. “There’s got to be somebody, Hanna.”

  “Nope,” I said mournfully, leaning against her. “Only Seth.”

  “Oh, no,” Crystal said. “It’s too early for this.”

  “He’s very cute, Crystal,” I said and gave her an earnest look. “Truly. And he can be really nice but mostly…” I heaved an enormous sigh. “He’s not. He’s a gigantic asshole.”

  “Now there’s an image I didn’t need,” she said, sounding strangled.

  “I wish every day that he wasn’t,” I said. “I do. Every day I say, ‘Dear God, please let Seth not be such a gigantic asshole,’ but every day he still is.” I shook my head, bewildered. “I don’t really know what to do about that.”

  “Hot coffee, cold shower?” Crystal said, snickering.

  “It’s not funny,” I said, scowling and struggling to sit up. “I think…” I pushed myself straight, brushed the hair from my eyes, and got distracted watching the fire ripple and pulse, throwing molten colors into the black sky, turning everyone golden and, for a moment, totally primal. “Is it hot in here or is it me?” I stuck a finger into the neck of my top and pulled it back and forth.

  “Hey, look who’s here,” someone said.

  I looked up into the darkness. “Karate guy!”

  “Oh, God,” Crystal moaned and hid her face in her hands.

  “Well, somebody’s having a good time,” he said, lips twitching.

  “Yes,” I said, puffing out my chest. “That would be me. I am having a good time because…hey, guess what? It’s my birthday! Here.” I slid sideways, clutching Crystal’s arm to keep from falling off the log. “Sit right here. There’s room. Come on, you’re not fat. As a matter of fact, you have a very cute booty.” I leered up at him, pinching two fingers together. “Could I? For my birthday, I mean?”

  “Oh, shit,” he said, glancing at Crystal, who was wiping her streaming eyes.

  “Oh, yeah,” she said. “Could you stay with her for a couple of minutes while I run down to 7-Eleven?”

  He looked at me.

  I gave him a toothy grin because I really was very happy to see him. “C’mon, be a sport. If I get too fresh, you can just”—I made a tossing motion—“flip me right over your shoulder.”

  He looked away like he was trying not to laugh and rubbed a hand across his chin. “Okay, sure. You go ahead, Crystal. I’ll babysit the birthday girl, here.”

  “You must need your eyes checked, because I’m not a baby,” I said when he sat down in Crystal’s vacated spot. “Look closely.” I sat up straight and swooshed back my hair. “See?”

  “Yeah, I see,” he said, smiling.

  I gazed back at him, caught by how sweet and tempting his mouth looked, with that plummy bottom lip and that cute little goat…. “I have a question,” I said, swiveling so my knees were against his thighs.

  “I’m sure you do.” He watched as I picked up one of his dreads and touched it to my nose, then stroked it down along my cheek to my chin.

  “Yes.” I touched it to his cheek, smiling when he smiled. “Would you give me a birthday kiss?”

  His eyebrows rose. “What?”

  “Just one?” I said, abandoning the dread and laying my hand on his muscled forearm. It tensed at my touch and I liked that.

  I liked it a lot.

  “Sure,” he said and leaned over and kissed my cheek. “Happy birthday.”

  I smiled expectantly, certain that was just the warm-up for the main event, and when nothing further happened, said, “That’s it? That was the whole thing?”

  He quirked an eyebrow, amused. “You complaining?”

  “Oh, hell yeah. I could have gotten that from my grandmother.” Scowling, I shook my head and leaned closer. “I want a real kiss, a totally hot, wicked, knock-my-socks-off—”

  “No can do, darlin’,” he said. “You’re a little too out of it—”

  “You’re a stingy kiss miser,” I said.

  He grinned. “And still a little too young for me.”

  “Oh, crap, that is so not true,” I cried. “I’m like the most mature girl in the whole school.” My hand was still moving on his hot, damp forearm, feeling him from the crease of his elbow down to his wrist. “I have experience, you know.” God, his arm felt good. It was all I could do not to lower my head and bite it. “And I would like to have more.”

  “I’ll bet you would,” he said, lips twitching. “But maybe another time, okay?”

  “That’s right,” I said, nodding and tilting sideways until my head was resting on his shoulder. I peered up at him, the bridge of my nose grazing his jawline. “You smell good.”

  “You smell blitzed,” he said and heaved a sigh. “What’re you doing?”

  “Not a lot,” I said, pressing my mouth against his neck. I licked his skin, just a little, just to get the taste of him.

  It was good.

  “You taste good, too,” I said.

  “Come on, you can’t do this,” he said and then in a mutter, “shit, I can’t do it.”

  “But it’s my birthday, and good things are supposed to happen,” I said, closing my eyes and sinking even further into him. “So far it’s been really sucky, though, and I don’t know why.”

  “Hanna, you have to sit up.” He slid his arm around me, but instead of shifting me up, it sort of cradled me closer. “Come on.”

  But I didn’t want to move, not at all. His body was so sweet and hard and perfect that moving was unthinkable, unless it was to lay him down and crawl on top of him.

  I hadn’t realized I’d said that out loud until he laughed, low and husky, and said, “Jesus, what’re you trying to do, kill me?”

  No, I was trying to do a lot of things, but kill him wasn’t one of them.

  “You don’t like me,” I said sadly.

  “You know I do,” he said, rubbing his forehead.

  “No, you don’t,” I said, slumping. “Nobody does. Seth, the guy from the mall…he just plays me—”

  “He’s an asshole,” he said.

  “I know, and then there’s you…” I peeked up and was surprised to see his mouth quivering. “What?”

  “God,” he said, laughing. “You are so fucking subtle.”

  I frowned, not sure what he meant.

  “Relax, it wasn�
��t an insult,” he said, patting my back. “I would never insult the birthday girl.”

  “Yeah, but you won’t kiss her, either,” I said, sulking and writing my name with my finger on his thigh.

  “Careful there,” he said, shifting as the second N ended very close to the center seam of his jeans. “You’re getting into dangerous territory.”

  “I still have an A to go,” I said.

  “Yeah, well, you’re going to have to write it somewhere else,” he said and moved my hand back into my own lap.

  “Why, because you already have a girlfriend and that’s her private property?” I said, tilting my face up again so my nose was against his jaw and my cheek on his shoulder.

  “Nope, no girlfriend,” he said.

  “Oh.” I thought a minute. “Are you gay?”

  He snorted. “Not hardly.”

  “Good.” More bright ideas tumbled in. “You know, you should come see me. But if you do—which you should—you have to hide your tattoo, because my parents would have heart failure, so you could just wear a long-sleeve shirt and then it would be fine. Okay?”

  “Sure,” he said. “Where the hell is Crystal, anyway?”

  I knew where Crystal was. I’d seen her return, catch sight of us, grin, slip across to the other side of the campfire, and disappear into the dark. “Why, do you want to leave? I knew it. You don’t want to be with me, either.”

  “Want has nothing to do with it,” he said, gazing out toward the fire.

  “Then how come you won’t even look at me?” I said, tugging on a dread.

  He exhaled long and slow. “You’re making this really hard.”

  “No, I’m not,” I murmured, my head on his shoulder, my mouth close to his ear where the skin was soft and hot and everything I yearned for here in the dark. “I’m making it very, very easy. Just one…” I kissed his neck…“little”.. and again…“kiss.”

  “Damn,” he muttered on a husky laugh. “I’m gonna kick myself in the morning but…” And lifting a callused hand to the curve of my cheek, he lowered his mouth to mine, his dreads slipping forward like a slinky black curtain to shield us from view.

  The first kiss was brief, his lips light and feather soft, rose petals and sweet plums, ripe and irresistible, tempting me, making me bloom inside, but when he tried to end it and ease back, I followed him, willing him to go on tasting, touching, teasing. He tensed, hesitated, and I sighed low in my throat and his breath swept my cheek, and then his mouth opened and mine opened, too, and his heart was pounding through his T-shirt, and I slid my arm up around his neck because he was so sweet, so hot, and God, I couldn’t get close enough. Each time his breath hitched I molded closer, shifting, and finally sliding my leg over his, crazy to drown in him, to climb on top of him and—

  “Whoa,” he said raggedly, gripping my hips and stopping me, holding me almost straddling his thigh and pressed so tight that our breath rose and fell together. “You’ve got to stop. I’m not kidding. I can’t do this.”

  “Do what?” I murmured, nuzzling his collarbone. “You’re doing just fine.” I shifted farther onto his thigh, and oh, yes, that felt good.

  It must have felt good for him, too, because he groaned and pulled me the rest of the way into him, tucking my thigh tight into his groin and burying his face in the front of my shirt.

  I kissed his forehead, his eyes, his mouth, kissed him with no boundaries, no thought, kissed him the way I felt, excited and aching and wanting until I was delirious and his hands were holding my butt tight against him, my thigh tight against him, until I was yearning for him and somewhere in the back of my mind warning signs were flashing, but they were nothing compared to the rush of being on him, with him, against him.

  “I’m back, in case anybody’s interested,” I heard Crystal say from far away and would have ignored her had Jesse not started and cursed and pulled away but still held me, with his damp forehead pressed to mine and his breathing heavy.

  “I’m going to get a beer, but I shall return,” she said, sounding amused.

  “Shit,” he said, pulling back. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

  “Well, it’s okay, really,” I said, gasping and putting a hand on my thundering heart, still too dazed to think straight. “I mean technically nothing did, right?” And the whole thing hit me, the unsatisfied hunger, the lingering sweetness, the gain and the loss, and I started to laugh and, yeah, to even cry a little, and he slid me off him and waited until the storm passed and I was okay again. “Oh my God,” I said, wiping my eyes and giving him a shaky smile. “Now that was a serious birthday kiss.”

  “Yeah.” He ran a hand over his dreads, folded his arms across his knees, and looked out toward the campfire. “It was.”

  I bit my lip and waited for him to say more, but he didn’t. “Are you mad at me?”

  He laughed without humor and shook his head. “Not hardly.”

  “Then what is it?” I said in a small voice, as the beautiful, full blossoming inside of me began to fold in on itself. “Did I do something wrong?”

  “No.” He looked at me then, his gaze dark and serious. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Say anything,” I said a little desperately.

  He thought a minute, then gave me a crooked smile. “Happy birthday?”

  “Thank you,” I said, and maybe it was because I knew he wasn’t going to be my boyfriend or because he seemed so much older but not in a bad way, in a more mature way, like at nineteen and out of school he was so far beyond me that I could just say stuff without having to worry about how he would take it that I added, “You know what? Even though I only got one kiss today, I’m glad it was from you.”

  He blinked. “The feeling’s mutual.”

  And then his eyes started to twinkle again and my smile returned and there it was, that sizzling bolt of black lightning arcing between us that made me blush and go all soft inside, made Crystal’s return the catalyst he needed to rise, do that jean-tugging guy thing, look down at me, and with a wry smile, say, “Next time I see you, you’d better be eighteen,” and I laughed and gave him a wicked look and he left, shaking his head.

  “Sorry I had to interrupt, but it was starting to look pretty intense,” Crystal said, plopping down next to me and giving me a knowing shoulder bump.

  “Could everyone see us?” I said, only slightly alarmed because there were plenty of other kids making out and half of them were sitting right in front of the campfire where you couldn’t miss them.

  “No, it’s pretty dark over here,” she said, and then lips twitching, she added “so, how do you feel? Still buzzed?”

  “No, and shut up,” I said, flushing and laughing.

  “Don’t like him at all, huh?”

  “Shut uuuuup,” I said, laughing harder and burying my face in my arms.

  “Don’t look now, but he’s standing by the keg, talking to some guy and pretending not to look over here,” she said in a low, teasing voice.

  “How do you know he’s pretending not to look if he isn’t looking?” I said, lifting my head just enough to peek.

  “Because you can tell,” she said. “See? He keeps messing with his dreads and watch…see? It’s like he’s trying not to smile. He’s self-conscious.”

  “Hmm,” I said, resting my chin on my hand. “Think he can see us?”

  “Nope,” she said. “Why, are you gonna flash him or something?”

  “Hell no,” I said. “If I ever lift my shirt up, it’s not going to be when he’s too far away to do anything about it.”

  So we wandered back into the party in time for Jesse to smile at me before he left, and then me and Crystal cruised past Sammi, who was making out with do-rag guy, took the path down to 7-Eleven so I could buy a soda and use their bathroom, and then it was my turn to find something to do, because the guy Crystal had been crushing on for like a month finally showed up and came right over to her.

  I didn’t feel like drinking anymore, and I didn’t want
to sit on a log in the dark because those were occupied by couples, so I drifted, talking to Crystal’s brother and other people, just hanging out and enjoying the glow.

  It must have been around two when Sammi came back into the fire-light and maybe three when Crystal did. I was tired by then and the crowd had thinned and everyone left was lounged out on the ground, so we decided not to stay all night, which, I found out, Crystal’s mother hadn’t said we could do anyway, so we left and snuck into her house, and her parents were sleeping, so our getting home so late wasn’t a problem. Sammi took the sleeping bag on the floor while me and Crystal took the bed. I found out that Sammi and do-rag guy were going out, and, she said, if her mother ever saw him, she’d probably ground her for life, but she didn’t care because she really liked him and what was so wrong with a gold tooth, anyway.

  Crystal said her crush had asked her out and so she was a girlfriend now, too, and that was cool.

  And I said Jesse gave me my birthday kiss, and Sammi was like, OMG, really? And Crystal was like, Oh, yeah, did he, but I got shy and didn’t want to share all the details, so I only said, No, we’re not going out, and, Yeah, I’m okay with that.

  I thought about that last part long after they fell asleep and tried to decide if it was true. It was, so I fell asleep, too.

  And that was the keg party.

  On Sunday the Schoenmakers came over and we had a little party. Gran made my favorite carrot cake in the world and I made a wish—Please let sixteen be my dream-come-true year—and blew out all the candles.

  I got some good presents. Gran gave me a really pretty pearl pendant and I think it was something she was passing on to me because there was no way they could have afforded to buy it new, and my parents gave me gift certificates to book and clothes stores, seeing as how my mother knows she can’t pick my clothes for me anymore.

  The only sad parts were that Grandpa had to have his cake without the cream cheese icing because of his new heart diet and that Gran was so shaky she actually spilled coffee on my pile of birthday cards and got all stricken about it, even though my mother mopped it up so it didn’t even matter.

  For a minute I actually thought she was going to cry, and I looked at my parents like, Do something, and my mother gave me this look like, What? and I didn’t know, so all I could think to do was ask how many new baby fawns she’d seen so far this year, but for some reason that seemed to make it worse, and then I really didn’t know what to do except offer up my biggest humiliation to distract her from hers, so I said, Hey, remember those new boots I got last Christmas? Well, did I ever tell you that the first time I wore them I fell down the stairs in front of everyone?